i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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