I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
third nipple confirmed
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
