turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
