The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
