Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
