You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
i drank out of a bidet.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
