We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
