Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
