can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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