It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
