after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
