Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Randomize
