My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
