I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
