If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
