There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize
