There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
