Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
