Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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