I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Randomize
