Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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