I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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