I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
