Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
