wanna go halves on a baby?
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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