Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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