the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
