Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
BRING THE BAGELS
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
