Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
