Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
