My sheets look like a crime scene.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
