I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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