I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
