I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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