Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
