Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
