I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
that may or may not have been my penis.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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