In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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