New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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