Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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