he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
