Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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