well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
