Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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