You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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