guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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