overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
