i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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