fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
