the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
