meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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