you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize