Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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