I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
