best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
