You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
